Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
