if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
