So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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