I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
