Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
