I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
