I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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