Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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