Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
