He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The uberlube is also flammable
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
