i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
