hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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