the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
