did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
