you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
