so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
