Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
