Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
