I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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