Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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