My friends, they love my intelligence
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
