HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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