During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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