the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
