and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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