it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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