my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
