so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
