Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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