My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
