please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
