and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
