I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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