Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
