Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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