I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
