I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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