I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
