he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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