Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
