I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
