we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i think i have two assholes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
