I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
