I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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