We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
