I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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