I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Your cock deserves a montage
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
