you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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