I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
