Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
