My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
