Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do vagina's smell?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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