i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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