I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
